My blog has moved (again!)

My blog has moved again and can now be found at:

http://recoveryandback.wordpress.com

No need for an invite this time.

New Blog

I have set up a new blog which is invitation-only. I’m going to trial this as a way forward – a place I can write about my mental health, but other aspects of my life too, without fear of being “recognised”.

I’ve invited most people who’ve commented here, as well as most other people I got to know as Residual Craziness. If you didn’t receive an invitation but would like to, please let me know either by commenting here or DMing me on Twitter.

This is Residual Craziness signing out. From now on, I am simply… me.

Protected: Reflections

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An update

I haven’t been blogging over the past couple of weeks. I am taking some time out to consider whether it’s really helping or not. I feel as though I’ve been wallowing in my mental health issues lately and it has been nice to put them to one side and just get on with my life. Clearly, the fact that I am able to put them to one side is a good thing, but past experience suggests there’s a danger they’re just getting swept under the carpet.

It’s an odd balance to strike because by posting about something here (low mood, drinking too much, whatever) I’m inherently making a big deal about it and possibly placing more importance on it than I would otherwise. On the other hand, if I don’t post and don’t talk to anyone, no one knows when I’m struggling and eventually it all builds up and gets too much for me.

Definitely the issue of me not reaching out to people and not getting support needs to be addressed. I suppose the question is whether a blog where I post almost exclusively about my mental health issues is the best way of doing that.

There is some good news: the client whose deadline I struggled to meet when hungover has continued to offer me work, so the quality can’t have been all that bad. And I have been doing pretty well since then, working hard but enjoying my work. I think, looking back, that perhaps it’s not surprising my revelation that maybe I was just a normal PhD student dealing with normal stress met with some resistance.

Or maybe not…

I’m sure it is normal for stressed-out academics to procrastinate and leave slightly too much work until the day of the deadline. But I don’t think it can be normal to also drink a whole bottle of wine the night before the deadline, in the full knowledge that the hangover will make getting the work done almost impossible.

I don’t understand why I would want to sabotage everything that I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I am living the dream – my dream. I am a bona fide PhD student and making a living doing something that I love. What is wrong with me?

At the time, when I’m procrastinating or drinking or doing whatever other f***ed up thing is going to make my work harder, it’s like I genuinely believe I will still have enough time and everything will be okay. Perhaps I actually believe that actions have no consequences, or that I am immune somehow, I don’t know. But I suppose that every time I do pull it off, despite increasingly difficult circumstances, reinforces that view.

I have struggled heroically (actually, scratch the heroic, since it’s self-inflicted) to complete and deliver the project today, but I know it won’t be up to my usual standard. It’s likely to contain mistakes that I would never have made if my head wasn’t throbbing and I wasn’t struggling not to vomit. Exactly how many mistakes, and where, and what the outcome will be remains to be seen. I don’t want my world to come crashing down around me, but at the same time, if I’m not “found out” there’s no incentive not to live in the moment and do it all again.

Protected: Good news at the Student Woe Centre

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Protected: What if there’s nothing wrong with me?

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